I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
