She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
People in love make me want to vomit
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
