as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
