He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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