I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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