i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
