just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
and she was petting her beer can
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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