i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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