I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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