honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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