I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
