my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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