I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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