You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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