hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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