I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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