if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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