she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
