my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
