I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
