I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
