apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
