We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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