I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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