I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've blown a few things in my day
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
