my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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