That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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