DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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