I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There's always time for handjobs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
