i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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