she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
