The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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