now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
