We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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