yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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