why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
