The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Farmville is her only friend.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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