Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
