i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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