i don't plan on having that self control this summer
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
