Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
