It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
