We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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