Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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