My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
