ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
