Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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