I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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