it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
