Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
