6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
