I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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