I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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