new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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