She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
