I'm gonna have a badass scar
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So. Much. Porn.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
