this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night