my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.