He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.