I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.