I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
